**This may be a little gross so if you’re eating, I’d finish then read.**

Living in an old building (my townhouse is from the late 1960s) in the South guarantees that you will have a few creepy crawlies in your house at some point.   When it’s cooler out, I often leave the back door open so the furbabies can come and go as they please.  Naturally this allows some  bugs in.  For the most part I’m not to scared of bugs.  I can handle spiders, flies, bees, ants, whatever.  The one thing I can’t handle is cockroaches.

One of the first things I realized after I moved in was that roaches lived in the brick wall that divides my walkway from my neighbor’s, right outside my front door.  During the summer months, once it gets dark, you are guaranteed to see a few roaches crawling around.  It’s super gross, but at least it’s outside.  I usually squeak a little and run by them to the front door.  The same goes for the back porch.  Every once and a while you’ll see one scurrying across the brick wall, up towards the roof overhang.  After some research, I’ve found out they like to hide under roofs/in attics because it’s warm and damp up there.

Unfortunately, those little bastards make their way into my house here and there, and it completely freaks me out.  I am not a dirty person.  I may be cluttery, but not dirty.  I wash my counters and do my dishes and don’t leave food laying around to attract them.  But I’ve learned from one of my co-workers, who used to do PR for a pest control company, that roaches love water and soap residue.  That’s why they are more often than not found in bathrooms or in your kitchen (ick).

Anyway, last night I was watching my college baseball team in the College World Series (we got routed), and the game was taking forever.  I was getting sleepy, so I decided to get ready for bed and watch a little more.  I traipsed up the stairs and into my bathroom.  Flicked on the light, and was about to use the bathroom when I looked up.  Holy shit, I kid you not, there was a monster roach on my ceiling.  It was at least 2 inches long.  I screamed like a little bitch, slammed the door, and ran downstairs to wake up Little S to help me kill it.  It took me a few minutes to convince her to help me (I really wanted her to kill it since T isn’t around).  We grabbed his heavy boy shoes and some bug spray and entered the danger zone.

You should have seen us.  Holding up shoes and spray, prepared to attack at any movement we saw.  We hit the shower curtain (one time one was hiding in there and flew at me when I went to put something in the shower.  Yes those fuckers can fly!) and nothing happened.  We scanned the walls, looked in/under the cabinets, shook out towels and still couldn’t find anything.  That little bastard got away.  Little S looks at me and asked, “Are you sure you saw one?”  Hell yes I was sure.  It was huge.  You couldn’t miss its ginormous blackish body on my white ceiling.

Needless to say, we never found it.  So the entire time I got ready for bed I was scanning the room to make sure it hadn’t come back.  Luckily Fado and Zoey slept in my room, so I figured if it ended up getting out of the bathroom they’d take care of it.  To them bugs are like toys.  They chase them and hunt them until they die.  <— Thank God!

Of course I had a hard time falling asleep because I was paranoid that it was in my room.  I spent the first 10 minutes in bed scanning the ceiling in the dark to see if I could find it.  At one point I woke up and had to pee, which meant I had to go into the bathroom.  Fado had managed to push the door open and was sleeping in the sink. I was still freaked out so I turned on the light, blinding us both.  He looked up at me with his squinty green little eyes as if to say, “Mom, what the hell are you doing?  It’s bright now and you woke me up.”  Luckily I didn’t have any encounters with the icky one at that point and haven’t seen it today.   But still, ewwww!

I remember when I was younger, and I saw the movie Joe’s Apartment.  Jerry O’Connell (Joe) moves to NYC and has to live in an apartment with a bazillion roaches.  But they were cute, they sang, danced and helped him get the girl.  Too bad real life isn’t that way…