Do you ever have those moments where you sit and dream up all of these personal goals that you want to complete to better yourself?  I think I do it quite regularly, except I don’t have the motivation to go through with it.  Isn’t it sad to not go after your goals?  It’s not that I don’t believe in myself, it’s that I get bored with it. Or am way too lazy to start. Sometimes I suck at life a little…

My big goal for 2008 was to give up smoking. To stop wasting all of my money on buying little rolls of paper stuffed with dried plants that could eventually kill me. The stupid thing is, I know how bad and unhealthy it is for me. But does that stop me? No! I am a great justifier. When I say to myself, “Bing, you should really stop smoking,” my wonderful brain comes up with a justification – “No you don’t. You really don’t smoke that much. Usually only when you drink.” And due to my lack of motivation (maybe it’s will-power), I light up again. Take a long drag and exhale a gray cloud of chemicals into the air around me.

I’ve also tried to stray further and further away from the weekday partying. Not so much going out and drinking until all hours of the night, but holing up on my porch with JD, some beers and our trusty ciggies. My TiVo is overflowing with shows because I am to busy porching it, soaking up the hot, often sticky Georgia night air. I love my porch, summers, drinking beers and great conversations with friends. But then it always ends up lasting a little too long. We say one more beer. One more smoke. And all of a sudden it’s after midnight, and we have decent buzzes going on. On those nights, I fall right into bed and into sleep. But it’s never a refreshing sleep. It’s only Wednesday, but I’ve already had a little too much porch fun this week. But does that stop me? No. I can’t say no because I have no will-power. Where will I end up tonight? At trivia with T and our friends. Hopefully I actually get to bed before 12:30 tonight.

My biggest failure in relation to my goals is working out.  I go every once in a while, but that’s not enough.  JD and I walk, but only a few times a week. I planned to shape up and loose the “eating out all the time” pounds before the wedding, but I haven’t done shit.  I drive my gym bag around in my car, eat a little snack before I leave work so I am energized for a work out.  But do I actually do it?  Um, NO.  Once again my wonderful brain convinces me to go home instead, there are other things to get done or that are more fun.

It’s really funny.  Sometimes I feel like am fighting myself.  I have an addictive personality, I like to be around people.  My brain knows this.  And instead of helping me get to the gym, it dreams up other more fun things to do instead.  And I am weak, and go.

So, I am putting the gym off for another day and will go join my friends to answer random questions, share some pitchers of beer, and blaze through a pack of Camel Lights.

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